


It's quiet here

by Supergleewhodaz



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Caring Crowley, Caring Dean, Caring Sam, Depression, Friendship, Gen, Hurt Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness, Tired Castiel, episode tag: s11e18, slight AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-06-01 09:39:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6513049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Supergleewhodaz/pseuds/Supergleewhodaz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Slight au from the most recent episode- Hell's Angel.<br/>Castiel feels so alone in this world. Outside in the real world or when hes trapped in his body and in his head. Doesn't really matter though, he doesn't really matter. He belongs here with Lucifer really. Here he can't feel, can't move so he can't screw anything else up and he can make sure that the Darkness can be taken out this way. Besides, it's quiet here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Good Reception

**Good Reception**

 

Castiel is sitting in the Winchesters Kitchen in their secret underground bunker. Possibly the safest place on earth against supernatural creatures. Impenetrable the boys said to him. If Dean knew and was here with Castiel he would make a joke about how ironic this is. Cas is being possessed with one of the most powerful creatures the world has ever known and his safe space is the one place Lucifer can't go. Of coarse that doesn't stop him, Lucifer still comes. Doesn't torture him physically. The only time he really hurt Castiel was when he tried to wrestle back control- albeit temporary of his body so Lucifer would stop hurting Sam, he couldn't let that continue.  When he did he realized how hard it was to keep Lucifer at bay. Not because he didn't believe it wouldn't be hard but because he never planned on trying.  He hadn't planned on telling Sam partially why either; it was just the only way to stop Sam from struggling away from him. So he could tell Sam how needed Lucifer was to the fight and to save Dean.

"Sam, Sam!" Cas clutches the ground to keep steady. "It's me" Sam looks up at him with frightful eyes. Sam couldn't believe what Castiel let Lucifer do. Sam just narrowly escaped the same type of fate at apparently Cas just let himself suffer! Though Sam can understand why to a degree, to destroy the darkness. 

"Cas, what the hell" Sam says while slightly reaching toward Cas to help him keep his balance while being cautious about when Lucifer will manage to take back control.

 

"We need Lucifer to defeat Amara," he says through gritted teeth, "I wanted to be useful to the fight" Cas struggles through more tremors from his body as the more powerful angel claws his way back. Sam stops his reaching when he hears the last statement from him, because that was what it was. Almost in a resigned way. Sam didn't have any time to press further because they needed to save Dean and after everything else happened right after that he didn't get a chance to talk to Cas. He tells Dean and of coarse he didn't believe it. Denied that Castiel felt this way but that they would get him back regardless if Castiel doesn't think it would be a good battle strategy.   

That was weeks ago and Castiel can't remember much of it. After that Lucifer kept Cas on tighter lock down. Gave him a little television with cable antenna on top to keep him busy till the big fight as Castiel puts it. The tv usually works in this room for some reason having the best reception in all the bunkers rooms. He has checked all the other rooms. Library, gun range and even each of the boys rooms. Having had his rest and recovery in Sams room he thought maybe that would help his tv. Didn't work and neither did the room is Sam's room but that's okay. He likes the small one he got. It was his, it being the only thing in the bunker he could say that about. Regardless of it all being in his head. Deans room was even worse than Sam's. He doesn't know why, doesn't want to know if it's significant.

So physically not but mentally, he was damaged there. Lucifer could make it worse if he tried but he learned that it was pointless. Lucifer was beat to that party. Doesn't have to add to it to keep Castiel in check, he doesn't move.

That's okay though. Castiel was where he belonged anyway. Right where he was as useful as he can make himself be without having to be able to physically mess anything else up. 

He can feel alone here without anyone else to yell at him to clean up his mess. He can let the icy cold pain wash over him like water and let it carry him away. 

 

\-------------------------

 

Today the program is a bit spotty on the tv. He always fixes it fairly quickly so it doesn't require him to move. He's fixing the connection again when he hears something move in the doorway to right. 

Crowley steps wearily into the room and looks at Castiel. "What are you doing?" Castiel looks up at him and sighs. " Crowley what are you doing here?"

Most of the conversation goes by in a blur to him. He's not paying attention to Crowley only his tiny tv. He faintly hears Crowley tell him Dean is outside his body with Sam and they are trying to get rid of Lucifer. That they need him to expel Lucifer from his body. At this Castiel becomes confused. Why would they want him to do that? This is the best battle strategy they have in regards to Amara. He says "Well Dean has a more objective view on the matter maybe I should listen" He says it while turning back to focus on the program. Crowley must have heard something else when he said that because he pauses for a second. 

Crowley thought he sensed something when Castiel when he said that. Something in the way Cas said that like it meant nothing then dismissively looking back at that tv in front of him. Something was off about him, he wasn't even fighting for control like he's resigned himself to his fate. "Whats wrong with you?" Crowley tries to push, "cast him out! Before it's too late." He says frantically. He knows they don't have long and he plans to leave before it gets hairy. With or without Castiel. He can't help but try though. He walks closer to Castiel, still keeping the table in between them. "Stop watching the bloody tv and cast him out!" He says it pleadingly. It still didn't look like he was going to. 

Castiel couldn't understand what Crowley was doing. He tried to focus on the tv but couldn't. Wow, the reception is really good today. 

He just wants someone to understand why, so maybe then they'll go away. He did this to save the Winchesters one last time. The best way he thought he could as one final act of 'Angle of the Lord'. He hasn't been one for a while. 

He should do what Dean says, shouldn't he? He's always tried to in the past so maybe it be best to do it now. 

But it's so nice a quiet here, he doesn't have to do anything here or say anything. Doesn't have to move. 

Crowley shifts closer to Castiel to watch him closer. He's moved all the way around the table only a chair away from Castiel when it dawns on him why he feels something off about Castiel. Once Crowley got here he could automatically feel a slight energy from the angel, the one he's here for. Crowley can distantly feel what Castiel is feeling but only like a dull ache after you touch a very old bruise. It's very faint. It has to do with the fact that they are in Cas' head and that he is the King of Hell. The job comes with perks. Now though, he can even hear some of what Castiel isn't saying. 

_Dean doesn't need me_

He can feel it in snippits. Like skips on a track

_He needs Lucifer-- only way_

_Sams safe this way_

_Can't break anything from here_

_Expendable_

 

 

Crowley opens his eyes at this new information, hadn't even realized he closed them while he was concentrating on the angels thoughts. He steps closer and places a hand on Cas' right shoulder. "Cas- Castiel look at me" Castiel doesn't look back up. Crowley tries again but is interrupted by Sam trying to exorcise Crowley from Castiels body. Probably thinking Lucifer got to him because he is taking to long.  "Castiel please do it now, Cas!" 

Just before Crowley is cast away he is overwhelmed by a feeling of resigned sadness through the feeling in the room. Castiel turns his head to Crowley slowly with a sad smile on his lips with his signature head tilt. The first real reaction he's gotten from him physically.

"Tell them I said goodbye"

Then he's being ripped out of Castiels body and into his own back in the church.

He sits gasping for breath he didn't know why he needed and looked up at the Winchesters screams.

"What the hell Crowley"

"Why did you take so damn long!"

Both Sam and Dean are yelling at him for information. He could see the worry etched on both of their faces. He bets he looks the same.

"I-i'm sorry, Lucifer's hooks in too deep." He says the last part reluctantly not sure how to express what just happened in there. 

"Crowley please, tell us what happened. What did Cas say?" Sam says rather hopefully, needing to hear good news. 

Dean looks as though he is going to break the pew with how hard he is white knuckling the back of it.

"He-" he struggles to get the next part out, Crowley is pretty sure he's just suffered a real heartbreak. "He says goodbye."

He's pretty sure he just saw it twice more.

 

 


	2. Can't Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys feel like their hearts have ripped away by the cold grip of Lucifer.

Dean can't breathe. 

It's like his body forgot how in the span of a one sentence.

 _'He says goodbye'._  

_no, no we won't._

 

He turns around to look at Castiels still form standing in the middle of the holy circle. Dean can't help but think of the last time he saw the same thing all those years ago. Then he was angry with Cas. He was horrified by the fact Castiel was working with Crowley and made a deal with him. It kind of broke his image of Castiel, angel of the lord. He couldn't trust him anymore and it just escalated from there. Not in a way that he lost more trust in the angel, but that he saw Castiel as who he truly was. A being that had free will and did the best he could with it. Tried to save everyone and fix the mistakes of others. In the process he broke the world and people suffered then trying even harder to fix his mistakes and then breaking himself. Now that all sounds extremely familiar. He always gave Castiel the hardest time about all his mistakes and always left the argument there expecting Cas to do as he said, and is now back and biting him in the ass.

At least before when Cas was in that circle he could look at Dean.

The flames around it were still firmly lit but from the promises from Rowena it won't last long.

Turning back to Sam and Crowley he hears the tail end of what Sam was saying "We can't just leave him in there, you said that Lucifer hadn't even bothered you while you were there with Cas?". Crowley nods in confirmation. "So we can still go in and get to him." Dean notices how frantic Sam has become and he suddenly remembers what Sam all those weeks ago. 

 _'He said he wanted to be useful, like some tool!'_ Sam had been hurt by the fact that Cas thought of himself like this. Like he was meant to be used like that and nothing else that happened to him mattered. ' _It sounds like he doesn't want to be saved.'_ That last part struck Dean because it sounded like an exact parallel to himself from the beginning. Dean knows he won't let Castiel stay trapped in his own mind and by the look on Sam's face he won't let it happen either. Even Crowley looks determined. 

He pointedly looks at Crowley and shakily asks him, "What else did Cas say?" He is impressed that it all came out evenly. Crowley readies himself for what he's about to say, clearly shaken. Also how to accurately describe it. "He didn't say much. When I got there he was watching something on a small television in the kitchen of the bunker, apparently it has the best reception?"  By the looks he was getting from the boys, that last part wasn't very important. Sam asks before Crowley can continue. " Why are you so shaken up?" He doesn't ask in an accusatory way, just curious as to why this is affecting the King so deeply. "Well i'm sorry for preferring feathers over the literal devil." Crowley continues on with what happened when Dean cleared his throat. "He didn't have to say much at all for me to know what was going through his head considering we were in it at the time. He also didn't seem like he was in a talking mood. He couldn't keep his eyes away from the damn tv long enough." 

"I could feel what he was saying or really feeling in the room." Sam eyes open a fraction wider and he glances at Castiel and then back again to Crowley. "These are the best terms I can conclude this experience as Castiel is broken, tired and unwilling to come back." While Crowley finishes even he looks stricken with grief.

"We aren't leaving him." Dean says very low and rough like he has been screaming for hours.

"We have to go, all of us." Sam doesn't even have to turn to Dean to know he agrees, was probably just about to suggest it. "You could do that, right Crowley" Sam says it so hopefully, Crowley has to be able to! Tears start to form in his eyes, "If we all go we could help Cas see that we need him. That he is not a tool and we're not gonna let him rot away inside his mind." He turns to Dean to see him in an equal state. To Crowley he says, "We need to bring him  _home."_  The tears in his eyes fall loose at that last part. 

"Is it" Dean says it in a way that leave no room error. 

"Yes, it is possible. But we will need a few items first." 

"What do we need"

Both boys say in unison, in that signature Winchester tone that suggests that this is about family and if you get in our way, whoever you are, not even god will be able to save you. 

**Not even Lucifer**

\------------------------

Crowley didn't take long to find the ingredients to this spell that Rowena so graciously a list for before disappearing in fear. "Thank you Mother, hope to never have to see you again."

Rowena scowls before vanishing. 

It takes them all about two minutes to set up and all three have never moved faster in their lives. They all stand around a wooden bowl in the ground in the middle of a spray painted symbol. Both boys along with Crowley draw blood from their palms and drip it into a it and look up at Cas

"Ready?" Asks Crowley. 

"Ready." Sam says firmly, readying himself.

"We're coming Cas." Dean doesn't look away from the figure in the ring on holy fire as Crowley recites the spell. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Rowena had a small role in this chapter, more than last though and I might make her more heavy later.  
> Also totally leave a comment if you want another chapter? Kudos so I know you like it.  
> Thanks everyone


	3. Colors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys are racing to get to Cas, but is it even going to make a difference.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I've revised this chapter somewhat so you can check it out again.

 

Ever since Sam and Castiel visited that psychic in his secluded house with all his signs in front to keep unwanted people out, he realized what that man said about him was true. He could think in colors. Humans all use colors to express their emotions for things. He always found that fascinating.  Red was primarily used to represent love in the forms of hearts or roses. It surprised him that at  the same time that color could be used to symbolize hate or evil. It was confusing to tell between their meanings sometimes. Blue represents sadness. Sometimes people say you feel ‘blue’. Most of the colors mean something, some type of emotion, some he’s not sure of. He recalls this specific time with Sam because right now he is experiencing colors, all around the room they were flitting by. You couldn’t look directly at the lights. They were kind of faded and blurry. Like if you saw them through raindrops on a window. They move or stand still in some places. I suppose the colors he isn’t feeling do that because red isn’t moving. It’s even almost completely faded in some areas. Cas looks around, not seeing the colors as well as feeling them and they all suddenly turn to blue.  His tv is bathed in all blue and the light coming in from the hallway is blue. They’re different shades from light to the blue of his old tie.

He’s cut away from his pondering with a tear slipping down his cheek, he hears from the television, ‘ _It’s going to be alright?’ ._ Laughter flutters from the tv but he can’t feel they feel. He doesn't believe what that man just said. 

He feels cold.

Like his bones and joints ache but he hasn’t actually moved in weeks.

He turns down the volume of the tv, suddenly it too loud even though it’s practically at a whisper already. Even the colors are getting loud. The ‘blue’ feeling making him colder, maybe even to the touch.

It’s still quiet.

Hmm

He almost wishes Lucifer would talk to him again.

**Almost.**

He’s just about to maybe turn the tv back up again when he hears something he never thought that he’d hear from someone again.

“Cas!”

\------------------------------------------------------

Sam, Dean and Crowley materialize in Cas’s head right in the bunkers library. It looks exactly the same, down to the last detail. If they didn’t know any better about what was going on they would’ve believed they were in the real bunker.

“Okay, this way Lads.” Crowley gestures down the hall to the kitchen. “Let’s bet the little bird is still where I left him last.” The boys don’t even think about it, they push past Crowley, not roughly but they don’t stop to look back to make sure Crowley is following. He is anyways.

Crowley keeps up his rough, ‘ _I don’t care, I’m Crowley,’_ demeanor but he has to admit he is worried about the pet angel. When he and Crowley made their deal all those years ago, he’d thought they had made a legitimate partnership. Everything that happened after that was just unfortunate. He’d wanted Castiel dead. He was hurt! Not just his pride but as a being that existed, was injured right in his heart cavity about Castiel's betrayal. He wanted him by his side to take over purgatory. When that didn’t work out Crowley made the decision that Cas was more useful to him alive. Which, incidentally, is very true especially right now. He remembers how Cas was when he last saw him. He looked beaten down, tired. He always did look like he went on a week long bender with some tragic celebrity most people hate or can’t stand.

He hopes Castiel’s state has…...improved since then.

The looks on the boys faces suggest they are more hopeful than he is.

**  
\----------------------------------------**

They are moving fast, they’re not even thinking about where the hell Lucifer is. He could around the corner, ready to kill them for threatening to take Castiel and convince him to expel him from his vessel. Sam and Dean don’t care where that son of a bitch is. As long as he’s nowhere near Cas. As ironic as that sounds right now.

They reach the kitchen in record time, rounding the corner not even pausing to take in the scene.

“Cas!” Both boys scream one more breathless, one with more volume but neither less intense.

\-------------------------------------

Everything happens so fast. Sam and Dean are right next to Cas in seconds.

“Cas, hey Cas.” Dean says while kneeling next to Cas’s chair. He placed a hand on the back of his chair.

“Cas?” Sam says softly, kneeling on the other side of him.

Crowley stood in front of the table like last time, evidently  Castiel did not move at all.

He cast a worried gaze at Castiel. He hasn’t moved his eyes from the screen, not really except for a fleeting glance when they entered the room.

“Castiel.” Crowley says, his tone demanding to be answered. He wanted someone in control of their feelings here.

Cas finally looks up at Crowley, the brothers sharing a hopeful glance. Crowley feels the ‘feeling’ in the room shift. When they walked in there wasn’t much of a distinguished feel, it was like a dull ache, he suspected he was the only one who could feel it and at that time it was true, but now as it changes to this strong feeling of heartache and confusion he notices how Sam and Dean both wince and watch Cas and Crowley intensely.  Sam worrying his lower lip and Dean with his habit of white knuckling anything in reach, like the chair when he’s anxious. He focuses back onto Castiel.

Crowley walks slowly forward, as close as the table would allow, to hear Castiel better. He here's him softly yet brokenly utter, “Why did you do this?”

Crowley is taken back by the question not because he’s surprised that Castiel asked why he was here but the actual question. It kind of confused him. What was he referring to? Crowley hasn't done anything utterly horrible in the last forty-eight hours.

“Why did I do what?”

Cas, with every word looks like he’s becoming more tired. He looks down briefly at his hands that were resting in his lap. “The boys. Why did you bring fakes.”

“What?”

“They’re fake, you’re trying to convince me to set Lucifer out with fake Winchesters.” Castiel said it all to his hand. Pointedly not looking to his right or left.  They’re fake they wouldn’t be here. The Darkness was priority and they can’t afford to waste time with the vessel of Lucifer right now. The feeling in the room becomes more intense with sadness and resignation. Cas looks up at Crowley after a short while, “I don’t want to let Lucifer go.”

**“I belong here.”  
**

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay same stuff. Leave a kudos if you liked so I know i'm on the right track. Thanks everyone:)


	4. Grip him tighter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They find Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might do at least one more chapter. Maybe two:P

Sam looks back on his past with Cas these last couple years. What he remembers isn’t what he wished for. When Castiel lost his grace and was hauled up in his own hotel room miles from the bunker trying to help Sam find Dean, Sam hadn’t realized how bad Cas had gotten. He was ashamed to recall how much he didn’t care in comparison to finding Dean. He had been priority and maybe that was right but only because he knew Cas didn’t object. That wasn’t right. Cas didn’t care about his own well being and that was definitely the Winchesters fault. They ingrained that in his head. From negligence to check on Cas the same way they did to each other. Same with when he was hit with Rowena’s attack dog spell. That was right after, Sam chokes at the memory, Charlie had died with the same determination as Cas, and he nearly met the same fate. Sam didn’t even care then when it was his fault then too. Dean was always more important and Cas new that. He accepted it. Agreed with it.

Sam was about to be sick.

He grips Cas tighter.

 

\----------------------

 

‘ _No”_

_‘He can’t think this’_

_‘But can’t he?’_

 

Can thought he didn’t matter as much as the Winchesters. That he didn’t matter as much as Sam did to Dean. Dean can’t help but wonder if that was right. ‘ _NO’._ It’s absolutely is not. Sam would always be his responsibility, even if he didn’t want to be. Cas, he chose to care about, he chose to want to protect Cas as his responsibility. Though at the moment he realizes he has does a horrible job of convincing Cas of that.

“You both wouldn’t be here and that’s okay. I’m happy here.” They all hope that’s a lie.

“Cas we’re really here.”

 

“We wouldn’t just leave you here with Lucifer.”

 

“Please Cas it’s us.”

 

“Don’t be a giraffe Castiel.”

 

“I don’t believe you!” Cas suddenly yells.

 

Cas turns suddenly as tears run down his face and he grabs Dean's face with both hands gently, like he's comforting a small child “I am not Sam” Cas says it like it’s obvious and that there is no other explanation to be had here. Sam’s eyes widen in realization of what Cas means and looks like he just kicked a puppy. Guilt overwhelming him, settling in his bones. Dean looks like someone just killed him, maybe that’s what happened. Cas is smiling that Cas smile, but this time  it’s sad and wet from tears. He continues  making eye contact. Sam is listening intently from the other side. “Dean would try outside, but he’d never go this far for someone else.”

Dean tries to cut in but Cas cuts him off. “ It’s okay,” more tears run down the already made tracks on his face. “ It’s okay because Sam comes first, Dean comes first. Always.” At the last part Cas breaks eye contact and turns away. Not far though because Dean holds Castiel’s hands in his, like they’re delicate and will break like porcelain. Sam can’t even form words as he slowly but gently grasps Castiel’s shoulder while moving closer. Dean just makes a sound it the back of his throat but nothing comes out.

_No, Cas_

_Cas please look at me_

_Cas?_

Sam moves his hand to Castiel’s neck. “Cas?”

Cas slowly looks up at Sam like he’s done something wrong.

Sam’s thumb rubs over Cas’s jaw to keep his head up. “I’m sorry Sam.”

“Sorry for what Cas?”

Cas looks at Sam with glossy eyes, “ I’m sorry for breaking your wall, for not rescuing your soul along with your body, i’m sorry for letting Lucifer out giving him the opportunity to hurt you, sorry i’m so sorry for everything. I’m so sorry for not protecting you both.”

 

Everyone in the room was either close or letting the tears roll down. Sam was one of them.

So was Cas.

Cas looks away from Sam to the tv. Sam lets his hand fall to rest on Cas’s knee and thigh. Dean moves to his hunches and gets into his eye line. “Cas-”

“No Dean,” Cas starts,”i’ve nothing left to give, you both need to be the heroes and win without me.”

“Cas, we’re not! You-”

“Are expendable, you need to go.” Castiel says it like it’s the most obvious thing in the universe.

Dean turns his head to Cas so fast Crowley is surprised his neck doesn’t break.

Crowley suck in a breath- “Look Feathers, we can’t sit here like last time waiting to have our limbs ripped from our proverbial bodies to wait for you to realize that we will or won't leave without you.”

Sam nods to that and looks to make sure Cas is listening.  

He is and his reaction is surprising. Castiel gets up so fast neither Winchester was expecting.

 

“Leave!! All of you!” He turns around to leave the room. It turns various shades of red and orange.

Dean gets up and grabs Cas’ shoulder, “Cas, we’re not-”

“Fake? Fine I don’t care anymore. I don’t understand why either of are here for.”

“If I expel Lucifer now all i’m gonna do the next chance I get is say yes again so when he finds a way to defeat Amara and it kills him, it can kill me too.”

The look on both Winchesters faces can be described as pure grief.

“I deserve to die, at least give me the one thing I don’t deserve and let me die while doing one right thing.”

He looks at Dean when he says, “To protect you and your brother.”

 

They all don’t expect this to be what comes next.

“Oh shut the hell up Cas and listen to me.” It’s Crowley who says this.

“I might be a demon and a King of Hell and this could all be the human blood stint I had last year talking but let me tell you something.” Once he knows that Cas is listening he continues. “You are worth so much alive and these boy would tear the world apart to bring you home. Hell they practically already did.” He looks to the boys for confirmation. They are both looking at Castiel while they nod furiously. “Now I’m sure they have a lot of explaining to do about the fact that you are the poster child for PTSD and a new drug for clinical depression commercial and they didn’t do much to notice, but at least let’s give them a chance to explain themselves.” At this Sam and Dean sport their own brands of guilt.

“Besides, you’ve kind of grown on me. Especially because I like the ‘Cas in Castiel’s Vessel’ more than ‘Lucifer in Castiel’s vessel’. He reflects on how dirty that sounded.

 

“Cas please?” Dean please.

 

Cas slowly looks up after a moment. The color changing to lighter colors. Maybe to symbolize something good.

 

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same deal, love you guys. Thx!


	5. Hold on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Come on, Come on,” Dean is frantically whispering watching as the room disappears and he clutches Castiel’s lower portion tighter as a reflex while Sam does the same with Cas’s upper half.

Excruciating pain. Castiel couldn’t feel and at the same time he could feel every nerve fiber in his being on fire and ice cold at the same time. That could be because the blasts from Amara weren’t directed specifically at him. Lucifer was the true target. His wings were being seared away from his body one at a time. All six looked as though they were being deep fried. Lucifers screams echoed from the outside, resonating into Castiel’s consciousness.

The pain was so strong in the room everyone could feel it. The boys were wincing and grappling at their own abdominis were as Crowley was practically on the floor writhing. His demonic status gave him the privilege of being able to feel most of what Lucifer was experiencing. His version was of more an aching feeling. Like the pain happened before, not too long ago but recent enough to still hurt. Phantom pain compared to what Castiel is feeling who was currently sobbing on the floor trying to keep all his gasps of pain inside for the sake of the Winchesters not having to listen to it.Dean watched as Castiel fell to the floor open mouthed, wide eyed with a vein in his neck popping out as he silently screams. Dean is frozen to his spot standing in front watching this all happen, he is paralyzed with fear. Not for himself, his pain is nothing compared to the angels. He was afraid that Castiel was dying right in front of him. He barely registers that Sam, beside his own pains, runs to Castiel's side and catches as he hits the floor, gasping.

“CAS!?”

Hearing Sam scream so loud spurs Dean into motion. Hearing his brother in any type of distress has been ingrained in his being to jump in and protect Sam. This time Sam is screaming for someone else. Someone else in the family that they managed to have is in pain and Dean realizes that he is just as spurred on to protect Cas as he is with Sam. He couches down next to Sam and Cas to try to hold Castiel still as he convulses in pain. Blood has started to track out of his nose down his mouth and chin. “Cas!! Hey can you hear me?” He hears Sam call for Crowley to perform the spell. He barely remembers that they had a plan c. It was either get Cas to expel Lucifer. Kill Lucifer from the inside of Cas’s head. Or expel them themselves with an ancient spell Rowena found in the Book of the Damned. It was their final option because it was the least likely to work. They had no choice now.

Crowley starts to chant the incantation while cutting himself to reach the necessary blood for the spell. The boys do the same while look after Cas, Sam holding the upper part of his body and cradling his head to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself. “Cas, Cas you need to focus, Cas!” Dean tries to calm him down while Crowley finishes up the spell. The room starts to shake with the force of the eviction of Lucifer while he is being blasted by the Darkness outside. When this is over they will have technically been removed from the vicinity of the battle. Lucifer will morph back into his original vessel and Castiel will be returned to his own place in his vessel. They incorporated the location of the bunker so they’d be as safe as possible.

The room starts to shake more violently, the table, chairs, walls and even the tv start to develope fractures and parts chip away.

“Alright boys this is gonna hurt a little bit.” The room falls away to ash and broken pieces fly away like broken glass. “Come on, Come on,”

Dean is frantically whispering watching as the room disappears and he clutches Castiel’s lower portion tighter as a reflex while Sam does the same with Cas’s upper half. Sam has secured his head on his shoulder; face leaning into Sam's neck and supporting his neck to keep it from lolling to the side with his hand.

Cas had stopped convulsing by now and just has blood slowly trickling down his nose and chin. That was a second ago, now they’re all standing or lying in the bunkers library looking dazed and pained. In Crowley’s case, relieved. 

 

“That was...interesting.”

 

They pay no mind to Crowley and focus on Cas.  

They fuss over him, clean him up and carry him as carefully as they can to a spare room right in between Sam and Dean’s rooms. Unanimous decision made with just one look to each other. 

 

For the next couple of days they rotate in shifts watching over  Cas. Sort of a parody of what Castiel used to do for them. They symbolism wasn’t lost on them and Dean especially can appreciate the irony. He can see now why Cas did this. It was something that was peaceful. Cas’s motives were probably along the lines of him the soldier, watching over his charge. He looks so peaceful when he’s asleep. All his frown lines have disappeared and he doesn’t look like anything hurts him. He wished that was true. And he wished it wasn’t his fault. 

Dean sits next to Castiels bed everyday most of the day, only getting up to switch with Sam and even Crowley with looking over Cas.  They’ve all been working with little to no sleep, only when one brother would force the other to eat or sleep, take care of themselves. Crowley doesn’t need to eat or sleep so he stays up when the boys literally pass out. Still, he’s worn out too. They all want to know if… no,  **_when_ ** Cas wakes.

So Dean isn’t surprised when Sam stumbles into Cas’s room to take his shift, telling him to hit the sack. Sam even helps him to his bed to make sure he makes it there. As soon as his head hits the pillow he’s out cold. He dreams about Cas and the colors of his mind and how unbelievably blue it all was. 

 

\------------------------------------------------------

Sam walks slowly back to Cas's room. He has been tearing apart from the inside out since they went into Cas’ mind. He could feel what Cas was feeling in that room. It was so confusing, he knew why; Crowley had explained that but… it was daunting to actually feel it, to actually physically feel what Cas has been bottling up inside for who knows how long. Sam exhales slowly and lowers himself into the chair next to Cas’s bed. This chair has been designated the ‘ _ Look after Cas’ _ chair. He’ll do that. 

Sam looks over at Cas, he didn’t even bother bringing in anything to do. He wouldn’t be able to focus anyways.

\--------

_Sam walks into the kitchen again to see that Cas has moved somewhere in the bunker. He realizes that this isn’t the real bunker this is the fake one in Cas’ head. But they didn’t need to be in Cas’s head. Right? They got him out, he remembers that. Oh god, what if they didn’t and this was Lucifer’s way of telling them. Just then the TV turns on and he can hear.. His voice?_

_ “Cas, please. I need you to do this. It’s for Dean.” _

_He remembers this. This actually happened, I mean the talking part not the ‘it being on a TV’ part.  This is a dream isn’t it?_

_He sits down in Cas’ chair to view the TV better._

_ ‘For Dean.’ He watches Cas and Charlie answer. He even sees how Rowena answers with how she barely knows Dean. He mentally rolls his eyes.  _

_He watches as the scene changes to Leviathan Cas and Sam freezes. He watches as Cas works with Crowley and then breaks Sam’s wall. Everything happens in sequence. From that to Godstiel to Emmanuel whom Sam never got to meet.  All of Castiel's separate personas, all of the people that caused him pain. Naomi to Bartholomew, Raphael to Dick Roman. These...are memories of Cas’. He’s watching them all play out. Hearing what everyone of them has said to him._

_ He can feel that feeling in the room, the one where it’s not his own but Castiel’s feelings bleeding through. He doesn’t know how considering this is a dream of Sams but he’s not going to question that right now. He thinks this is something he needs to see.  _

_ The scene changes back to when Cas is in the hospital alone. Only Meg was there to help him and Sam feels like back then, that was okay because Cas deserved it. He broke his wall and now was paying the price. Right?  _

_ No _

_ He knows that wasn’t right to do. He should have helped Cas. He did just take on all of his insanity for him. Lifting that weight off Sam’s shoulders that wasn’t even his fault. It was Sam that decided to go into the cage. Cas actually pulled him out! He never even said thank you. Come to think of it, has either Winchester ever actually said a proper thank you to him? He feels how alone Castiel felt then, it was the same as when they were in Cas’s actual head. _

_ He felt like he deserved where he was, who he was with. They all know that Cas enjoyed the demon Meg, but that didn’t stop him from feeling abandoned. That was the Winchesters fault. Especially the part where Cas thought he deserved that. They should’ve helped him! Told him that he was family and that family doesn’t get left behind. Cas knew that right? _

_ Sam shakes his head to clear it. He was drowning in guilt, over come with how Cas liked how quiet it was there. He could mess anything up. Let the Winchesters save the world he assisted in destroying. That’s why he didn’t want to fight when they finally came to see him!  _

_ Oh god.  _

_ It’s the same feeling. _

_ Same reason. _

_ They never noticed. _

_ Never cared enough to try.  _

_ The scene changes to other times. Other pains. Cas being kicked out of the bunker and he finally knew why. Dean. Gadreel. Himself. His heart is breaking.  _

_ Next is when Metatron cut out his grace, how Cas felt then. Alone. Abandoned by his celestial family. Needing his earth one.  _

_It’s out of order now, the memories just pouring out of the TV like water out a faucet._

_ One after the other Sam begins to question how they could’ve missed all this. The boys said Cas was family but never gave him the same care routine they gave each other.  _

_ His heart aches now. _

_ He watches all the way through the attack dog spell with Crowley and Rowena. Them helping him onto Sam’s room and leaving him alone, again. _

_ What really catches his attention was this part he didn’t know about. Of course he didn’t. _

_ Castiel is strung up in chains being tortured by his brothers.  _

_ He is going to rip every angel that ever hurt Cas limb from Grace. Dean would agree if he was seeing this.  _

_ He watches as his ‘brothers’ tell Cas that Heaven hates him.  _

_ That he gives up everything for the Winchesters and that they won’t except that any longer.  _

_ All his torture that he goes through and he still thinks that the Winchesters are worth saving when he is not.  _

_ Sam slams the tv off and just sits there staring as the screen fades. _

_ Something moves out in the side of the room. He looks over heart hammering even though he know this is his own dream. _

_ “Cas?” Cas has come into the room and is standing the the doorway.  _

_ “Hello Sam.” Cas tilts his head in the endearing familiar way that Sam hadn’t known he missed so much. Sam rushes over.  _

_ “Cas.” Sam can only get out that much before he wraps the angel up in the tightest hug he thinks he’s ever given to anyone.  _

_ “Oh my god Cas, i’m so sorry. I’m so sorry about everything”. He releases Cas reluctantly when the angel, somewhat weakly tries to wiggle free.  _

_“I’m sorry Sam that you had to see that.” He gestures to the small TV._

_ “I didn’t realize that you would dream walk into my mind.” _

_ At Sams quizzical look he explained, “My residual grace must still be in your head as well as Deans from when you all went into my mind.” _

_ “Oh.” Is all Sam can manage again. He clutches at Castiel’s upper arms to try and convey comfort. _

_ “Cas, what was on the tv- what you’ve felt….I-,” _

_ “Sam, I’m glad you did. Now you know why I have to go.” _

_ “What, no Cas please we can help you, we want you to stay with us.” _

_ Sam’s hand go up hold Castiel's neck to steady his gaze to his own.   _

_ “Cas, please don’t go anywhere. I know we messed up really bad, let us make it up to you know.” _

_ “Sam-” Cas tries to pull away completely so Sam takes drastic measures.  _

_ “Cas, do you really think that if you were to kill yourself that Dean and I would ever forgive ourselves? Because it would be. It is right now how you feel is my fault and I should have noticed.  And don’t deny it because I know it’s true. We should’ve both been treating you like the family that you are. You’re not a tool.” _

_ Cas still won’t look at him. _

_ “Believe me now.” _

_ Sam takes one of Castiel's hand and presses it to his chest, right over his heart. He figures that if he can feel how Castiel is feeling in the room then the same could apply if he concentrates. _

_ It appears that is has because Cas’ eyes widen and he presses his hand closer and looks up. _

_ “You’re my brother and I love you just as much as I love Dean.” _

_ “My family gets to come home where they belong, so please Cas. Wake up.” _

_ Cas has tears in his eyes matching Sams as he nodes.  _

_ “Okay Sam.”  _

 

 


	6. Crowley?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley's here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRRYYYY for such a late update, finals and ACT and damn son stressssssss! Anyways here we go again! Kudos if want me to cont'.  
> THANKS

‘Ugffh. My body feels like…. Sand. Heavy like when it’s wet.’  
Castiel feels like he’s floating around in a box. With artificial waves pushing him into consciousness but never going anywhere.  
It is nice. But in his mind he feels cold.  
A warmth settles on his right hand and squeezes gently. His head lulls to the side facing the warmth and exhales slowly.  
“Castiel.”  
This person says it in a deep commanding voice yet softly enough like they were trying to not startle him.  
Castiel lets out a small light noise through his throat and slowly opens his eyes. Who he sees is not who he expects.  
“Cro-wley?” He has trouble finishing the whole word in one go, out of light surprise but mostly from disuse of his own voice for who knows how long.  
Crowley is standing over the right side of the bed clad in his usual black coat and well everything save for the red tie around his scruffy neck.  
Castiel starts to shifting nervously thinking that Crowley was here to hurt the Winchesters or less importantly himself. Crowley senses this and sits down in a chair he must have just produced with a thought.  
“Cas, i’m not here to hurt you or the Winchesters.” He pauses, “Surprisingly due to our history, I’m here to make sure you’re okay and alive and what not.”  
Crowley is trying to be received with his gruff, ‘I couldn’t give less of a shit about you’ demeanor but even he is concerned. Cas looks like he barely survived a 14th century cold and a beating. Most of that is actually plausible to the situation. He’s got purple bags under each eye and hair turning into every direction. He looks like he’s about to die. Crowley can’t help but think that he wouldn’t let that happen. He hasn’t even realized that he has started rubbing Cas’ knuckles with his thumb.  
“What-t are you doing here?”  
Cas barely struggles to get that sentence out of his throat.  
“I’m here for my shift Pet. Your last knight in armor hasn’t woken up yet but don’t worry I have transported Sam to a bed right next to this room.” He adds quickly when Cas struggles to look over to where he assumes Sam has been.  
“Cas, It’s alright. Sam is asleep and so is Dean.” He says as he uses his other hand to help turn Cas’ head back toward him when he notably struggles.  
Cas looks curiously up at Crowley sitting by his bed. He’s confused to why Crowley is here but at the same time doesn’t think he could care less if it was for hostile intent anymore. He still feels so heavy. His eyes are equally feeling like lead.  
Crowley notices and tries to keep him awake. “Hey. Giraffe stay awake for a minute. I have to make sure you’ll wake up again first.”  
Castiel huffs and turns his head more into the pillow.  
Crowley doesn’t say anything for a second.  
“How are you feeling?”  
Like he’s been “hit by a hundred buses and been punched in the nads’ as Dean might put it with all the various television shows he’s referenced over the years. He didn’t want to say that to Crowley, worry him. He doesn’t know why because Crowley wouldn’t bother to.  
“M’fine.”  
“The kitten lies.”  
Cas doesn’t comment on that.  
Crowley continues, “what did you and moose talk about up there?”  
“We didn’t talk about anything important.”  
“Doubt it, you woke up didn’t you?”  
Castiel doesn’t answer.  
“I’m fine, please just-”  
Crowley's hand stills its soothing movements on Cas’ hand and looks down curiously.  
“Just?”  
“Crowley what are you doing?”  
He cants his head to the side to curiously note the fact that Crowley is holding his hand only just now realizing this contact at all.  
Crowley notes the slight fear in his eyes. It sort of hurts where his feelings would be.  
Crowley is the type to attack an enemy when they are a worthy foe. That would sting if he said it outloud but let's face it, it would be a lie. Castiel is more than his match. That he’d never admit.  
“What, can’t I comfort an ailing friend?”  
“We are not friends.”  
“You know words can hurt Pet? Even me.”  
All the fight and possible questions and concerns die away and he just sinks lower into the pillow and mattress. “I’m tired Crowley.”  
“I know.”  
Castiel can’t believe he is saying all these things but he’s more surprised he is able to get them out.  
“I don’t want to do this anymore.”  
Crowley is admittedly not too pleased to hear all this. He hides his actual concern with obvious sarcasm.  
“That's why you are in bed, love.” He resumes his hand movements and strokes to the angel's hand and even goes as far to put a hand on his brow to command his attention. His eyes have slipped shut again.  
“Love?”  
“Why do you keep calling me that.”  
“I can call you much worse.”  
“....hmm.”  
“Love?”  
“Cas.”  
“Castiel.”  
Castiel’s skin has become more sickly looking and has taken on a slight sheen.  
“Hmm yes?”  
“Did you dream walk the angel way to say anything particular to anyone recently?” Cas may not have visited him personally which to be honest hurt a little, it’s just the same privileges can be applied anywhere. He’s the king after all.  
Cas doesn’t answer but he knows that he really did. “Because if you did I know it’ll never happen.”  
No answer.  
“They’ll never let you go.”  
Cas opens his eyes slowly to reveal such pain in his eyes that it was hard to drink in, just as fact his eyes closed.  
More urgently Crowley adds,”You need to stay awake for me, that's it.”  
Castiel is trying to keep his eyes open but he just can’t remember anymore why he ever woke up anymore.  
Crowley can’t take this anymore so he grips his shoulder and squeezes rather hardly to keep up his attention. “Listen, we already had this talk and I don’t bloody care if you believe me or not but here are the facts.” He only waits to make sure Castiel is looking at him. “Those two dumbasses have been working and fighting tooth and nail to bring you back and for some unknown reason for desperation I assume have asked me to help them. Now I know for a fact I’m a being that doesn’t care about anything ever except myself so I think you can count it as a compliment that I was actually willing to help them out.” He finished and added reluctantly, “And it wasn’t just because of Lucifer that I decided to help.”  
“......”  
“...........” Castiel just looks up with such a face full of hope that Crowley actually feels glad he’s royally embarrassing himself like this for him.  
“......”  
“Cas.”  
“Yes?”  
Crowley places his hand higher onto Castiel's neck and shakes him minutely and Cas puts his hand on Crowley's not to push him away put to have something to hold onto.  
“Will you try and get up again?”  
He just nods and pushes forward as much as he can. Just then the moose of all mooses comes into the room somewhat rushed and gapes at the scene. “Cas-”  
Castiel turns his head as much as he can without it hurting with Crowley’s help.  
“Sam. Hello how did you sleep?”  
“Well, umm are you okay? Crowley what are you-?”  
“Relax I’ve already had this conversation I’m not to harm your pretty little angel or the rest of the dream team. I’m actually a helpful elf today.”  
He says all this while helping Cas maneuver to the end of the bed where Sam has moved who is reaching for Castiel’s hands to help him all the way to standing.  
Somewhat hesitantly he looks at Cas then back at Crowley with a question.  
‘He didn’t hurt you did he? Are you okay.”  
Cas just nods and turns to Crowley at his side, “Thank you. Both of you.” He says hurriedly.  
“It’s absolutely no problem Cas, you’re my brother remember?”

Cas just shows his small smile only a select few and even then, get to see.  
They both help him to the kitchen sometimes stopping when Cas gets tired or winces to which they obviously catch even though Cas would be trying to hide it. 

One particular pain is so great he graduates to actually groaning along with the wincing.  
“Are you alright?”  
At this point he doesn’t even know who asked it this time. 

Turns out they made it to kitchen and both Crowley have dispersed to find painkillers or some water or blanket.  
That only leaves-  
“Dean?”  
Cas looks up to see Dean clutch him to his body as well and Cas leading on the edge of the counter in the real kitchen this time with the opposite hip. Seems he’s experienced some kind of dizzy spell.  
Through worried but hopeful eyes,  
“Cas…”

**Author's Note:**

> Now I'm trying this fic out I might continue with it or I may not. If you guys wanna read anymore leave a kudos so I know It worth it, haha 
> 
> Could be seen as relationship Destiel or Friendship Destiel. Either works. Heavy friendship and family from all Winchesters and Castiel anyways.


End file.
